Dignity versus Safety

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aging, Family, Health, Life, Parents, relationships

We’ve watched Mom lose her memory, hearing, financial prowess and driving skills. But we’ve also tried not to become overly controlling in her life.

Yet there are few options when a 93-year-old parent doesn’t use good judgment, suffers from loneliness, confusion and becomes an easy target for predators. She insists that she “wants to die in my own home,” yet refuses to allow us to hire any assistance.

Like many adult children, we have begun to walk a tightrope between overstepping boundaries and ensuring that she makes it through the day by giving her medications, paying bills and preparing meals. For more than a year there were telltale signs suggesting that we must take more assertive action: When we noticed that Mom could no longer differentiate between advertisements and legitimate bills, we took over her finances.

Occasionally, she has lucid moments and we enjoy them, too. For a brief time, we have our mother back.

Most days, when debating whether we should intervene in her life, we try to give her the benefit of the doubt. All living involves some risk. We can’t rob Mom of her dignity in the name of safety.

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.

Aging parents and their pets

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aging, Elderly, Family, Home, Homeowner, Memories, Parents, pets

A stray Jack Russell terrier wandered into my mother-in-law’s driveway one Christmas and quickly made a home in her heart. Mom loved having “a furry child” by her side to keep her company throughout the day. She named the dog Joy, which is exactly what the animal brought for more than a decade, comforting Mom through the death of two husbands.
Joy – like most cats and dogs – was very in tune with her owners’ feelings. Pets sense when someone is upset or unhappy and are excellent at providing instant comfort.
She also was a great protector, barking at any perceived threat. Having a dog made my mother-in-law feel safer in her home and may have allowed her to stay there, longer.
Studies have found that owning pets provides health benefits, too, including decreased blood pressure and cholesterol. Even heart attack survivors are more likely to live longer if they have a pet to keep them company. Joy motivated Mom to go outside for walks, which also afforded her a social life as she chatted with other pet parents in the neighborhood.
Yet in addition to being a companion, pets are a responsibility. So when her beloved Joy recently died, my mother-in-law decided not to get another dog. Though having the house to herself seems a little daunting, the 91-year-old admits that she can no longer care for an animal.
Sadly, I am relieved.
Pets need as much love and attention as a child, and eventually that may be too much for an elderly parent to manage. What happens when a pet outlives its owner? Who inherits the animal? Shelters are filled with the sad, sweet faces of pets whose owners passed away. How do adult children plan for the inevitable, with pets and aging parents?

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The challenge of downsizing

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aging, children, Community, Family, Home, Houses, Life, lifestyle, thoughts

If you read the definition of “Down·size  (doun’siz’)” in the dictionary, it sounds easy: To reduce in number or size. To simplify (one’s life, for instance), as by reducing the number of one’s possessions. To become smaller in size by reductions in personnel or assets.
But for me, “downsize” means both a logistical and emotional challenge. It isn’t simply about getting rid of physical things: It’s also about releasing the emotional attachment that comes with them.
It recently took an entire month for me to move from one house to another. Children’s report cards, letters and photos require sorting and savoring. Friends who sell large homes and move to smaller ones appear equally unable (or unwilling) to dispose of their memories. We’re all saddened by adult children who are dismissive of childhood trophies and memorabilia that don’t blend with their current decorating scheme. We know one day, they will regret it.
When my friends ask, I offer one piece of advice: Get outside help.
I turned to my sister when the reality of needing to downsize finally settled in. A pragmatist, she honed her skills with a move to Brussels, Belgium followed by the sale of a large home in McLean, Virginia before downsizing to a townhouse in Annapolis, Maryland.
She ruthlessly attacked my closets and garage with the empathy of an avenging warlord.
Guided by the mantra, “When in doubt, throw it out,” we packed 14 carloads of household items and clothing – including my 1977 boxed wedding gown – and donated everything to the Neighborhood Center of West Volusia County. (The organization provides emergency and transitional housing for families in need.)
When we were finished, I felt no regrets – only relief. Actually, I felt a bit of satisfaction, too: The manager of The Neighborhood Center thrift store confided that our donations had boosted their revenues for more than a month!

In this case, less is definitely more.

Check out Renee’s book, “Sweet Beams: Inspiring Everyone Who Lives Under a New Roof,” available on amazon.com

Formerly known as…

Tags

aging, career, jobs, unemployment, working

She hides within your circle of friends, dressed beautifully in a designer wardrobe she bought when times were good and she could afford it.
But if you look closely, you’ll notice that when she joins you at restaurants, she orders club soda with a twist instead of a $14 glass of wine. She’s equally careful in her menu choices, counting every cent in her head. She begs off dividing the check evenly to cover desserts, cappuccinos and the second glass of chardonnay she didn’t drink.
She discovered how to do her own hair and nails, and prays that her aging luxury car doesn’t require repairs. In addition, she may be helping to support her adult child who fell on hard times.
She’s still as talented as ever, yet all of the online job applications she fills out seem to disappear into a black hole. Her work is sporadic now – mostly occasional consulting jobs.
She is over 55 and entered the uncertain world of formerly and used to be and isn’t sure anymore what her future holds.
“I feel terribly inadequate. I’ve held very responsible jobs over the years, yet I can’t seem to get hired today. Older workers like myself have ‘people’ skills that that the younger, computer generation lack.”
Looking for work is hard and filled with mounting frustrations and multiple rejections. She worries about staying upbeat and positive, and struggles to pull herself out of the slumps and setbacks so inherent to the process.
Finding a job is challenging for anyone in tough economic times, but it’s harder if you’re over age 50. It’s illegal for employers to discriminate based on age, but any older job-seeker will tell you it happens every day. That reality is colliding with the intent of baby boomers, most of whom hope—and need—to keep working past traditional retirement age.
Please tell her: What are the best strategies for landing a job when you’re “a woman of a certain age?”

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

Tags

aging, baby boomers, beauty, fashion, Hair, skin care industry, style

Psssst – does my hair look old?

Neither wrinkle creams nor treadmill time will diminish the latest worry for aging baby boomers. That’s why the number of anti-aging hair care products is growing on supermarket shelves near you.

One of the biggest complaints mature adults have about their hair is that it gets thinner. (That actually starts happening in our late-30s, due to a decrease in the number of active hair follicles according to scientists at Procter & Gamble.) But after 40, our locks also become more brittle and fragile. And if we color our gray hair or use other chemical treatments, we damage it further.

Voila! The beauty industry is pushing new hair products to the 82 million of us between the ages of 45 and 64. And they’ve learned a thing or two from the skin-care industry:
To attract older men and women, skin-care products developed new language cues. Most avoid the words “old“ and “age“ and focus on “results.”

If only our younger selves had known about the preventative steps which can be taken to maintain our hair’s soft and shiny appearance… We would avoid anything that causes repeated tension or pain – like aggressive brushing while drying or tugging with a flat iron. Thankfully, Floridians of all ages learn to stay out of the sun because UV rays damage our hair as well as our skin.

I guess I’ll just have to shampoo, condition, add volume and shine to fool Mother Nature (and the general public) for one more day.

Like the wrinkles on my forehead weren’t enough to worry about….