Caring for Mom

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author, behavior, Family, Health, Mother, parenting, stress, Writer, writing

She starts each day slamming kitchen cabinet doors, in her never-ending search for a coffee cup, spoon or napkin. She is angry and wants me to know it.

My mother-in-law has dementia and she lives with us, now. We’re trying to keep her safe, out of a facility. She resists our help.

Next month we shall celebrate her 96^th birthday. In one brief moment of clarity at the breakfast table, she looked directly at me and said, “You know, there is such a thing as living too long.” I say nothing.

Even though we know Mom’s dementia behaviors are symptoms of a disease and not intentional, dealing with them is often emotionally and physically challenging. We see a range of unpredictable behaviors including aggression, mood swings, and repeated questioning or manipulation.

“Why can’t I live alone? Why did you steal my car? Where are my things?”

Dementia behaviors like aggression peak after a disruption in their routine. (Living with family is a disruption.) She becomes particularly aggressive around sunset.

Still, we persist.

This is Mom, a kind, giving person who would be appalled to see how the end of her life would play out. We remain calm and supportive. We have to.

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers

and Anchored Together.

Remembering mom

Tags

arlington national cemetery, cremation, Family, Home, jewelry, Mother, Mother's Day, motherhood, urn

May is the month we remember our mothers – whether they’re living or not.
My mother died in May, 2007. She rests with my father, at Arlington National Cemetery in Washington D.C. At the time of her death, many active duty military personnel needed burial, too, so our family waited three months for a “widow’s interment.”
That delay caused my sister and I to decide on cremation (simply because an urn is much easier to store in your guest room than a body in a casket.)

While selecting the container that would be buried at Arlington, I purchased a piece of urn jewelry – specifically, a necklace with a small compartment designed to hold the ashes of a loved one. According to the ads, “Cremation jewelry allows you to hold that special someone close to you.”
All I can say is that it seemed like a good idea at the time.

However, when the gold teardrop pendant arrived, it required a special tool to open the small compartment – something neither I, nor the undertaker, owned. Which is why I arrived at an elegant jewelry store clutching a tiny bag of my mother’s ashes in one hand and a gold necklace in the other.
The jeweler maintained his composure when I made my request. With a bit of flourish, he unfolded a black velvet cloth on the glass counter and produced something resembling a dental tool. After unscrewing the back of the pendant, he removed a wire twist-tie from the top of the baggie, poured a bit out and began tapping her inside.

“I’ve never been asked to do this before,” he admitted solemnly, as a bead of sweat formed on his forehead. I wanted to say something reassuring, but quite honestly, nothing came to mind. After all, I’d never done it either.

Unfortunately, there was a bit more of Mom than there was space inside the necklace. So as the jeweler screwed the back onto the pendant, I did what anyone does automatically – without thinking – when they are faced with dust at home: I blew it off the glass.

Instantly horrified, I watched the particles float to the carpet.

The giggle in my throat – the kind that usually starts in a church pew and erupts into uncontrollable fits of laughter – began.
I’m not sure how long we cackled and chortled, or if the jeweler stepped out for a drink as soon as I left………..
However, I am certain of this: My mother would appreciate even a part of her spending eternity in a jewelry store.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Mothers of brides

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bride, daughter, Lhuillier, Mother, wedding

“I tried on green velvet. A Rodney Dangerfield line came to me: ‘If that dress had pockets, you’d look like a pool table.’ The dress had pockets.”

-Ilene Beckman, “Mother of the Bride: The Dream, The Reality, The Search for a Perfect Dress”

There are advantages to having a daughter marry in her thirties: She knows what she wants and doesn’t need much help planning her big day.

But there are disadvantages, too: She knows what she wants and doesn’t need much help planning her big day…

Every mother imagines her child’s wedding. But when the time actually comes, few can imagine what to wear.

Yet I’m fairly certain we all take the same silent vow: I shall choose a dress that photographs well.

“Comfort was a key element for me,” recalls Sally Enderle of Kalamazoo, Michigan. “I knew it would be a long day, so I thought a knit outfit would be very comfortable.”

After several shopping trips, Enderle finally chose a long skirt, shell and jacket by St. John for daughter Molly’s wedding.

“It wasn’t even important to me to buy an outfit I could wear again – although I have,” Enderle adds. “I only have one daughter and I wanted to feel comfortable and confident on the day she was married.”

Comfort should be a major consideration for mothers of brides and grooms.

That is why I intend to focus on my feet.

During an interview for The Tampa Tribune, the elegant bridal designer Monique Lhuillier once advised me to “Spend more on your shoes than your entire outfit.”

Out of thousands of interviews conducted throughout my career, I distinctly remember hers, and plan to heed her advice. But – just in case – I’ll bring a second pair to the reception.

(I may suggest it to my daughter, too.)

Photograph by Britt Laughlin: Kathryn Leigh Garrison’s christening day.