The challenge of downsizing

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aging, children, Community, Family, Home, Houses, Life, lifestyle, thoughts

If you read the definition of “Down·size  (doun’siz’)” in the dictionary, it sounds easy: To reduce in number or size. To simplify (one’s life, for instance), as by reducing the number of one’s possessions. To become smaller in size by reductions in personnel or assets.
But for me, “downsize” means both a logistical and emotional challenge. It isn’t simply about getting rid of physical things: It’s also about releasing the emotional attachment that comes with them.
It recently took an entire month for me to move from one house to another. Children’s report cards, letters and photos require sorting and savoring. Friends who sell large homes and move to smaller ones appear equally unable (or unwilling) to dispose of their memories. We’re all saddened by adult children who are dismissive of childhood trophies and memorabilia that don’t blend with their current decorating scheme. We know one day, they will regret it.
When my friends ask, I offer one piece of advice: Get outside help.
I turned to my sister when the reality of needing to downsize finally settled in. A pragmatist, she honed her skills with a move to Brussels, Belgium followed by the sale of a large home in McLean, Virginia before downsizing to a townhouse in Annapolis, Maryland.
She ruthlessly attacked my closets and garage with the empathy of an avenging warlord.
Guided by the mantra, “When in doubt, throw it out,” we packed 14 carloads of household items and clothing – including my 1977 boxed wedding gown – and donated everything to the Neighborhood Center of West Volusia County. (The organization provides emergency and transitional housing for families in need.)
When we were finished, I felt no regrets – only relief. Actually, I felt a bit of satisfaction, too: The manager of The Neighborhood Center thrift store confided that our donations had boosted their revenues for more than a month!

In this case, less is definitely more.

Check out Renee’s book, “Sweet Beams: Inspiring Everyone Who Lives Under a New Roof,” available on amazon.com

Some things are worth waiting for

Tags

babies, birth, children, gender, Mother's Day, pregnancy

This column originally appeared in The Tampa Tribune on May 6, 1986. I recently found it and, in honor of Mother’s Day, decided to share it with you!

When my husband and I learned that we were expecting our second child, we were thrilled. But time and technology have marched on since our daughter was born four years ago.
And even we old hands at parenting were totally unprepared for the response that greets my changing profile today.
“Do you know what you’re having?” is the universal question that bursts from the mouths of friends and acquaintances alike.
Yes, it’s a baby. We hope one with 10 fingers and 10 toes. But, beyond that, the other bits and pieces don’t really matter to us – blue eyes or brown, boy or girl.
However, this child’s gender seems to matter to everyone else.
Oh, I suppose the knowledge might help me better decorate the nursery in a more masculine or feminine motif. Or even monogram baby’s little linens in plenty of time for his or her arrival.
But I doubt that it could compare with the exhilaration we felt in the delivery room when, after a long and tedious labor, the doctor beamed at us above his surgical mask and said, “You have a little girl.”
Some things are worth waiting for.
Granted, the advances in prenatal medicine have been great: Sonograms can help detect abnormalities in an unborn child, but they won’t help you determine its sex unless he or she is positioned just right.
And the risks of amniocentesis (withdrawing amniotic fluid from the abdomen with a needle) for a healthy woman under 30 make it a ridiculous procedure simply to determine whether to engrave the birth announcements with pink or blue ink.
But these procedures were readily available four years ago – so why didn’t people quiz me back then? I suppose it has taken that long for technology to destroy yet another of life’s old-fashioned pleasures: discovering your child for the very first time.
It’s worse than discovering that Nabisco really does make a better cookie than your mom with “Almost Home,” even if they do need “lecithin and an added emulsifier” to do it. Or making Haagen-Dazs ice cream in a computerized plant in New Jersey instead of some Scandinavian kitchen.
Years from now, obstetricians may hand expectant mothers a complete dossier on their unborn child, including the sex, height, weight and mealtime preferences. That certainly would save us antiquated parents from wasting a lot of time in getting to know the little one.
Until then, our daughter, Kathryn, has requested a baby sister and I told her I’d keep that in mind.
As for myself, I like the suspense of not knowing whether the tiny feet that kick me now and then belong to a boy or a girl.

Tribune Architecture Critic Renee Garrison will complete her current “construction project” in September.

Love and support

Tags

children, gay, grandparents, lesbian, love, marriage, parenting, Support

A woman I’d known for 20 years pulled me aside at a luncheon and asked me to autograph a copy of my book for her daughter.
“My daughter left her husband and children…for another woman.”
I stopped writing and tried to process the information as my friend lowered her voice.
“I just want you to know that I was at an emotional low point when you posted a picture of your daughter’s wedding on Facebook. I’m not as open as you – I still haven’t told the rest of my family.
“But seeing that picture of you, with your daughter and her wife, really helped me a lot at the time. I’m very grateful and I wanted you to know how much I appreciated it.”
I could hear the quiver in her voice and I hugged her.
Parents of gay children often are uncomfortable with letting other people know their truth. They fear risking jobs, reputation and family ties…persecution by those who consider homosexuality sinful. (Of course, morality presumes freedom to choose and when it comes to sexuality…but I digress.)
Sadly, parents can feel isolated, guilty and confused about where to turn.
As one mother told me, “When my daughter came out of the closet as a lesbian, I went in.”
I’m no poster child, but experience has shown me that it’s not a good idea to keep such a secret from others who might be supportive or helpful.

Ultimately, my daughter’s life turned out to be exactly how I imagined it: A mortgage, a career and three children. The only difference is that she’s sharing it with a wife instead of a husband.
I certainly never wanted her to marry a man out of guilt or a desire for acceptance or because of negative attitudes in the community.
That’s simply too high a price to pay for silence about sexuality.

Renee’s gift book, “Sweet Beams: Inspiring everyone who lives under a new roof,” is available on amazon.com

No shoes – great service

Tags

"One day without Shoes", children, clothing, Community, dress code, fashion, TOMS

Participants of the One Day Without Shoes event walk barefoot through Amsterdam.
to raise awareness for children without shoes, on April 10, 2012

One of the growing movements in business, today, is the emphasis on giving back. More and more companies realize they can make a difference in people’s lives while still improving their bottom line.

Here’s a terrific example: The shoe company TOMS designated “One Day Without Shoes” in 2007. Since then, their efforts have resulted in 2 million pairs of shoes donated to children in more than 50 countries. April 29, 2014 is this year’s designated day.

It began when TOMS founder Blake Mycoskie — who also answers to the title Chief Shoe Giver — traveled to Argentina in 2006. He saw just how many challenges children face when they grow up without shoes, from infections and injury to reduced education opportunities (since many schools require children to wear shoes.)
So no shoes, no education, no future.
The TOMS tagline, “Leave Your Footprint,” reflects how much we, as individuals, can be part of something bigger than ourselves.
This week, why not skip the pedicure and buy a child a pair of shoes, instead?

For more information on raising awareness visit http://www.onedaywithoutshoes.com.

Children

Tags

children, Family, motherhood, relationships, respect, self-esteem

“Time makes bolder,
children get older
I’m getting older, too.” ~ Fleetwood Mac

My friend’s voice cracked and tears spilled from her eyes as she recounted the last meeting with her 30-something daughter. “My therapist says my relationship with you is toxic. I can’t be around you.”

I’ve known this woman for more than 20 years. I’ve watched the sacrifices she made for her children and the life she devoted to them: countless hours spent chauffeuring them to lessons and events; cookies and cupcakes baked for school parties; athletic games suffered through, and all the tears she dried, due to life’s disappointments.

When I heard such a cruel statement come from the daughter she adored, my own gut ached. Somehow with all the love we gave, and all the lessons we tried to instill, we forgot to teach our children to respect us.

Simply because they now earn a paycheck (and are less dependent on ours,) many adult children believe they can speak to us differently, condescendingly…as they might speak to a dim-witted peer.

In our constant attempts to bolster their self-esteem, did we diminish their regard for us?

Generational expectations often differ because ideas about relationships change over time. Mothers understand that behavior which is appropriate between parents and small children will change as the children grow. But respect is non-negotiable.

If you’ve never been a parent, let me assure you that caring for children is not always a rewarding enterprise. To hold a little person in your hands and in your heart every minute of your life is one tough task.

We all have similar hopes for our children: good health, happiness, fulfilling work and financial stability. Perhaps we should add one more: Always treat us with respect.

Share your memories

Tags

children, Home, Memories, Mother's Day

Share your memories of homes and dwellings with your children.

 Our appreciation of home grows from our earliest memories of childhood, places we have lived in or visited.  Added to the memories are our preferences and our dreams. As in any relationship, we have influenced and transformed each other.

   Try writing a list of every roof you have lived under. Start with general stuff and keep adding details of great activities, your neighbors’ names and moments you shared with them.

Pass on the meaning of home to your children as if it were a beautiful legend… It is.  And it will echo in their future homes.

• Designate one wall, somewhere, for your children’s self-expression. Anything goes.  How much future graffiti could be eliminated if we were  permitted to express ourselves in our childhood home?