New book, new cover

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author, books, Design, entertainment, Family, Life, relationships, Writer

 

Doing less, being more

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author, books, Dementia, Family, inspiration, Life, relationships

 

The pandemic taught us that we’re all caregivers, for ourselves and each other. However, I was thrust into the role several years ago, when my mother-in-law’s descent into dementia accelerated.

Today as we celebrate her 95^th birthday, it seems like a good time to reflect on the lessons this retired school teacher has imparted to our family. I learned that care giving is an act which nurtures our best traits while healing our worst. She has taught me that communication involves more listening than speaking.

At its best, care giving is not a fight. It’s a practice…that never ends. It is not political and it transcends skin color, nationality, wealth, gender, and age. Care giving should not destroy, since discarding the flawed would mean discarding all of us. Finally, caring for someone often means doing less, but being more.

I realize that many of the kindest gestures we’ll ever make, and the most important things we’ll ever do, won’t come easy and will never be seen publicly.

Let’s do them anyway.

 

 

 

 

Award-winning author Renee Garrison has completed her second novel, “Anchored Together,” which will be released in the fall.

Emotional objects

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author, Family, inspiration, Life, love, relationships, writing

I own a new bathrobe.

It’s Turkish white cotton and it replaces one that I have worn since 2007. When my mother died, I brought her bathrobe home with me and, for a decade, it served as the hug she could no longer deliver. It wasn’t expensive – its value was in its sentiment. Big and fluffy, it tumbled through the washer and dryer thousands of times until loose threads began to appear and, like my mother, it perished.

Finally, I was ready to let it go. Parting with an item (like a robe) may simply be a matter of accepting the end of certain relationships and understanding how the physical objects around us have served as their emotional accomplices.

I still miss my mother, of course, but I think she would be pleased to see me wrapped in a new bathrobe – especially one that looks a lot like hers.

 

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.

Shifting traditions

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Family, food, inspiration, relationships, Thanksgiving, thanksgiving dinners

My grandmother set her Thanksgiving table with an Irish lace cloth. I’m not sure that I even own one. (If I do, it’s packed away.) In her eighties, Nana once threw a crystal cranberry dish across the table at my mother because Mom neglected to remove it from the china closet and serve the cranberry sauce in it. A stickler for tradition, that one…
When my children were growing up, we didn’t always live close to family. Today, my daughter lives in Illinois and my son, in Texas, so we are learning to navigate a shifting holiday tradition.
I’ve become a guest, now, rather than a host. It’s delightful to watch them prepare recipes that are meaningful to our family. But I’m also pleased to see their unique additions to the day. Candidly, my daughter-in-law does a better job with appetizers than I ever could.
Screen time with family is wonderful, but nothing replaces being together, the affectionate hugs and the opportunities for reconnecting with one another over a holiday meal.
I hope they will carry forward a few of the cherished holiday traditions of their childhood for the next generation. Unlike my grandmother, I let go of any expectations and – along with the food – I savor the moments, the chance to be together.

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.

Exercise

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daughter, entertainment, exercise, Family, inspiration, Life

“Renee, have you ever been to SoulCycle?” my daughter-in-law asked innocently.
No, I hadn’t, but when the family gets together, I’ve learned to be flexible. That’s why at 7:30 one recent morning in Chicago, I trudged to a “Breakfast with Beyoncé” class with two daughters-in-law and my daughter. Wearing Lululemon duds borrowed from the girls, I was fitted with cycling shoes that locked into the pedals.
Wow, these look a lot like bowling shoes. (I quickly learned nothing could be farther from the truth.) A fresh, white towel was folded over the handle bars, with a tiny rack beneath it for a water bottle. The lighting was subdued and I was in the back row.  So far, so good.
A pleasant young man with a microphone praised everyone for coming to class and amped up Beyoncé’s “Halo” to a decibel level clearly designed to induce deafness. I spotted an employee wearing a SoulCycle T-shirt, who was prowling the periphery of the room. I waved frantically.
“Did I see a jar of earplugs at the front desk,” I shouted. She said something (God knows I couldn’t hear her) and returned with two yellow cushions in her hand. I inserted them immediately.
That’s when I heard the man giving instructions: Sway to the left. Sway to the right. Tap once. Tap twice. The bodies in the rows ahead of me bobbed up and down like pop tarts in a toaster. I did not, fearing that I might lose my balance and land on the floor while my feet – which were prisoners of the pedals – would continue spinning. I refused to end the family visit with a trip to the ER.
Periodically, my daughter would look over at me and yell, “Are you okay, Mom?”
“Yes,” I bellowed back, wiping sweat from my face and neck. When my towel accidently slipped to the floor, I stared at it. If I bend over to pick that up, I’ll probably land beside it.
Mercifully, the hour ended and I managed to snap my right shoe out of the bike pedal. The left one refused to budge, so I simply removed my foot. The bike shoe continued to cycle, reminding me of those boots in the stirrups of a rider-less horse at military funerals. At least I didn’t die.
We limped back to my daughter’s house (okay, I limped and the girls sauntered) in time for breakfast. My sit bones were sore, but my smile was wide. Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

 

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.

Taking care of the caregiver

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Family, inspiration, Life, relationships, Support, Writer

While being a caregiver for an elderly loved one can be deeply rewarding, it can also be extremely stressful. During those moments when my nerves are frayed and my patience is wearing thin, I’ve discovered some helpful techniques to remove myself from the situation and calm down.

How do I keep strong feelings from getting the best of me? I remember to “take five.” Best of all, my little mantra can take many different forms:

1. You could take five (literal) steps back from the situation if your loved one with dementia has become belligerent.

2. Count to five before you answer if you’re stuck in a cycle of repeated questions or comments.

3. Take five whole minutes to yourself (set a timer!) if you’re just worn out. While you relax, put on a calming television program or hand the person with dementia a favorite snack and leave the room.

4. In the evening, of course, you can always try five sips of wine…

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers. She is currently writing the sequel.

Memorial Day

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Family, Holiday, inspiration, Life, Memorial Day, relationships

I won’t be spending Memorial Day at Arlington National Cemetery this year and I feel a little guilty about it. As a child growing up in New England, I remember my family’s tradition of gathering at the cemetery to honor our relatives by straightening tombstones, clearing brush and debris, and finally decorating the graves with fresh flowers. We said prayers for the dearly departed before eating “dinner on the grounds” (quite literally, on a blanket.)

It was a family reunion of sorts – between both dead and living relatives. I never considered it strange that we were picnicking atop the graves of our ancestors. It was simply a peaceful, all-day event, which included sharing stories and laughter.

Today, I live too far away to continue the tradition, but part of my heart will be in Washington DC and Brookline, Massachusetts, on this holiday.

May they all rest in peace.

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.

Bark & Breakfast

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author, dogs, Family, Home, inspiration, Life

My favorite houseguests have fur.

My own beloved pooch died one month short of her seventeenth birthday and left a void in my life that nothing could fill. When a neighbor asked if I might help with her dog-sitting business, I happily agreed. With a few stipulations – pets must be non-shedding and under 30 pounds – I’ve played hostess to a number of furry houseguests when their parents go on vacation.

Each time they arrive, they run to me, tails wagging, crying with joy, covering my face with kisses. They are ecstatic to spend time with me.

My own children never greeted me with such enthusiasm.

(Full disclosure: They greet anyone we meet on our walks with the same exuberance, but I am not a jealous person. I can share the love.)

Dogs love to lounge in my lap or sleep at my feet as I tap at my computer keyboard. They make eager editorial assistants and never criticize my work. For a few magical days, they are my biggest fans, my new best friends.

I’m sad, of course, when they leave and my house feels empty again. But I know they’ll probably return for another visit…the best houseguests usually do.

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of “The Anchor Clankers.”

Santa says avoid stress

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Christmas, Family, Health, Holiday, inspiration, Life, relationships

Ideally, the holidays should to be a time of thankfulness, reflection, and celebration. Yet the idealistic visions of a perfect holiday are often marred by tensions and stress. Financial pressure, over-commitment and unrealistic expectations are among the culprits. However, I’ve discovered a few adjustments that can bring joy and peace to the season.
-Have realistic expectations. Magazines, The Hallmark Channel, even commercials depict elaborate holiday decorations, spotless homes and amazing meals. All of those images push us toward unrealistic expectations of ourselves and everyone else. Instead, do what is realistic for you without feeling guilty, lazy or inadequate.
-Be flexible. You might have to make concessions about when and where celebrations occur to avoid stress in families. Be willing to get together on a different day before or after the holiday if need be. The actual day isn’t as important as the opportunity to gather in a relaxed, unrushed atmosphere.
-Downgrade décor. Just because neighbors or family members decorate excessively doesn’t mean you can’t opt for a different experience. Simple decorations are just as festive (and perhaps more peaceful) than over-the-top extravagance. Include a few items that are special to you or your children, but don’t feel obligated to go overboard.
-Don’t break the budget. Gifts, parties, decorations and travel create a lot of financial pressure during the holidays. Your budget may require reducing the number of gifts you give or finding other ways to cut costs. Ignore the retail hype that plays on your emotions and avoid the temptation to buy with credit cards. Your stress level will skyrocket in January when the bills arrive.
– Just say no. A full holiday calendar equals exhaustion. Consider the logistics before accepting too many invitations. Leave holes in your calendar for quiet evenings at home or impromptu gatherings. You’ll be glad you did.

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers. 

Dignity versus Safety

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aging, Family, Health, Life, Parents, relationships

We’ve watched Mom lose her memory, hearing, financial prowess and driving skills. But we’ve also tried not to become overly controlling in her life.

Yet there are few options when a 93-year-old parent doesn’t use good judgment, suffers from loneliness, confusion and becomes an easy target for predators. She insists that she “wants to die in my own home,” yet refuses to allow us to hire any assistance.

Like many adult children, we have begun to walk a tightrope between overstepping boundaries and ensuring that she makes it through the day by giving her medications, paying bills and preparing meals. For more than a year there were telltale signs suggesting that we must take more assertive action: When we noticed that Mom could no longer differentiate between advertisements and legitimate bills, we took over her finances.

Occasionally, she has lucid moments and we enjoy them, too. For a brief time, we have our mother back.

Most days, when debating whether we should intervene in her life, we try to give her the benefit of the doubt. All living involves some risk. We can’t rob Mom of her dignity in the name of safety.

 

Renee Garrison is the award-winning author of The Anchor Clankers.